Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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