I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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Threesome in a minivan. New low
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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