Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
