And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
