note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
