I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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