It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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