sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
