I just threw up on my dentist
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
