Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
