Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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