You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
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Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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