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I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Randomize
