I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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