I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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