I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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