I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
