We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
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