Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
