If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
