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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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