I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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