Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
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My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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