I think I died a long time ago.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
