I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
