I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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