The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
