I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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