I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
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I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
that is very illegal...i love you.
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