I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
two words: eviction party
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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