Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
