how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
