If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
