i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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