All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
