did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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