i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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