I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
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She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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