Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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