EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
