You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
