I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
