doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
