when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
