My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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