Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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