But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
