Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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