Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
