he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
