Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
