Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
